This page will contain a collection of jokes
related to pets and pet ownership. Feel free to submit a joke yourself. Please
remember that some of our cat owners won't appreciate too many "dead
cat" jokes!
How Many Dogs
Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? - Submitted
by Alison Barker
We asked some patients to see if we could find out. Here are their responses:
·
Golden Retriever: "The
sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?"
·
Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code."
·
Dachshund: "You
know I can’t reach that stupid light."
·
Rottweiler: "Make me."
·
Boxer: "Who
cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark."
·
Lab: "Oh, me,
me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze,
please, please, please!"
·
German Shepherd: "I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation."
·
Jack Russell Terrier: "I’ll
just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture."
·
Old English Sheep Dog:
"Light bulb? I'm sorry, but where's the light?
·
·
Pointer: "I
see it, there it is, there it is, right there.
·
Greyhound: It isn't
moving. Who cares?"
·
Kelpie: "First,
I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…."
·
Poodle: "I'll
just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry and my owner
will have my dinner ready."
·
The Cat's Answer: "People
change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can
expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
A Letter To All Cats and Dogs – Submitted by Jenny, one of our clients
Dear Cats and Dogs,
When I say to move, it
means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are
still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the
paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest!
The stairway was not
designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything
bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs
and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximise space used is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there
is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to
turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years. Feline or canine attendance is not mandatory!
The proper order is
kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have
posted the following message on our front door...
1.
They live here. You don’t.
2.
If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture
3.
I like my pet a lot better than I like most people
4.
To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is hairy, walks on all fours and is clearly better looking
than your human variety kids.
5.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke
or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the offspring.
How to give your cat a tablet
1.
Pick
up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand, as cat opens
mouth pop pill onto back of tongue. Close mouth to allow cat to swallow.
2.
Retrieve
pill from floor and cat from behind couch. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3.
Retrieve
cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
10 seconds.
4.
Retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5.
Kneel
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat’s throat vigorously.
6.
Retrieve
cat from curtain rail; get another pill from the packet. Wrap cat in a large
towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below
spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
7.
Check
label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take
taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
8.
Retrieve
cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
9.
Find
screwdriver to put door back on hinges. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across road. Apologise to neighbour
who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
packet.
10. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws
with string and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty gardening
gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and
pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.
11. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room;
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table
12. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
Humour
- The Guard Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business visited a kennel
that specialised in guard dogs. The man explained to
the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the
kennel.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a
large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
“He looks like he’d be a pretty good guard dog,”
said the buyer.
“Well he’s not bad,” replied the owner,
“but I have a different one in mind for you.”
They continued walking around the kennels, and they came across an
even larger and meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried
to bite them through the wire on his cage.
“Ah,” said the buyer. “This must be the dog you
were referring to earlier.”
“Well, no,” said the owner. “I have something
better in mind for you.”
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large
dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side. He seemed unaware of the
men’s approach.
“This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the
owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” He
exclaimed. “This dog is tame compared to the others. He doesn’t
even act like a guard dog!”
“I know he appears tame now,” said the owner.
“But you see, he just ate the vet and he’s trying to get the taste
out of his mouth.”
-
Thanks to www.jokesnjokes.net
Some New Dog Breeds
We’ve all probably heard of
the labradoodles (
§
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for
easy transport.
§
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a
dog that throws up a lot.
§
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
§
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Peekasso,
an abstract dog
§
They crossed an Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer
Spaniel. The new breed is an Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
§
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly
Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the dog of choice for
laboratory researchers.
§
They crossed a
§
They crossed a Bloodhound and a
§ They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t really matter
§ They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work
§ They crossed a Deerhound and a terrier, the new breed is a Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.
§ They crossed a Bull Terrier and Shih Tzu. The new breed is…uh…maybe I should get back to you on that!
-Alison